Monday, August 26, 2019

Our Story (Part 2)

Thank you for joining me today for Part 2 of Our Story. Last week I told you about how J and I met, married, and some of the struggle we experienced in our newlywed years. I explained how, in time, I came to learn more about Domestic Discipline, and because J and I were experiencing a newfound closeness in our relationship, I wanted to give it a try. I never wanted to make the mistakes in our marriage that we had before. I wanted him to teach me to trust and respect him. I wanted him to confront me when I was out of line, and correct it rather than withdraw from me. 
Today I will tell you about when I first mentioned the idea of DD to J. 
As I explained in my last post (part 1 of our story) J and I had heard of DD before, but that had been years ago and something had triggered my memory of it, causing me to research it again. 
When I first brought up the idea of DD, J said no. He didn't think it was right for a husband to discipline his wife. To him, it was the opposite of loving- it was controlling. J grew up with an abusive father and it was the last thing on Earth he wanted to be. 
In time though, as he learned more about it, he began to understand how the lifestyle is not about control per se, but about love. The effort it takes to put your submissive first and be concerned with every aspect of her life, as she puts her dominant first, yielding her will to his own, is about love and commitment. There is control involved but it is a power I freely give to him because I trust him not to abuse it. It isn't control for the sake of control. This would take time for him to come to terms with but once he did he saw how much it benefited our relationship. Here is the rest of our story:)

At first, I struggled with my desires. I read everything I could find about DD online. For reasons I didn't understand, I craved this lifestyle with J. It wasn't just a spanking for the play that I wanted. It was a lifestyle of being guided and protected and disciplined by him when I needed to be.

When I finally realized that I not only wanted but needed this from J it didn't rest easy with me at first. Why would I want this? I was an adult, a mama. It was my responsibility to care for others. I was not a child. I had no longing to become one. Still, there was this need and I didn't know how to wrap my head around it. It took some time before I was willing to admit it to myself.

When I finally got up the courage to tell J about what I wanted I had a hard time explaining it to him. It's kinda hard to go to your husband and explain why you want this. Of course, he figured it was something I just needed here and there. He thought all I really wanted was to be spanked. When I explained I wanted a lifestyle change, to follow and submit to him fully and accept discipline when I failed, he didn't exactly understand. For the longest, he told me no. He said he had no problem spanking me for fun, but he didn't feel it was right for a husband to punish his wife. He felt it was controlling for a husband to do that to his wife.

I think a part of me used my depression to try and convince him I needed this. Sometimes I'd even say to him- "If you would just spank me maybe I wouldn't need the smokes." Pretty bratty, huh...
But I needed it, I knew I did. I needed someone to tell me no and put their foot down. I needed something to help me cope. Don't get me wrong, J was always there for me. He wouldn't let me get too involved in the drama with the family. But I felt guilty for what I couldn't fix and at the end of the day, I needed to reach for something to soothe the grief. Would a spanking have made that different? Not by itself. I needed to be told that I wouldn't be allowed to come unhinged. I needed his dominance so that I could believe that I wouldn't crumble. The spanking would have been one method to showing me that but in and of itself would not have been enough. Essentially what I was asking him for was to shelter me, put up walls to protect me, boundaries and limits, and yes... consequences so I would obey him and keep myself on solid ground.

It was hard to explain that to my husband. Most men, in my experience, seem to have a concrete view of things. They're either black or white. It's the hunter and gatherer in them, I think. It's their primal nature to be the provider and protector. They don't differentiate as easily as women do.
He used to respond at times by saying, "Why are you so upset just because I haven't spanked you."
That used to shut me down real fast. It was so hard to be misunderstood by him. The rest of the world could have misunderstood me and I wouldn't have minded so much as I did when he didn't understand.

He just didn't understand and it was the loneliest feeling ever. I would try to explain, it wasn't because he didn't spank me exactly, but because his lack of taking charge of me on a personal level made me feel like he didn't care. I needed him to make my personal well- being a priority and not let me destroy myself by making unhealthy decisions. Because if left up to me, I was past the point of caring what I did to myself. I just wanted to feel better. I needed him to take personal stock of being my husband.

Over time though, through practice and trial and error, J did come to understand. We do have hiccups from time to time, lulls that are hard to get through, but we're still pushing towards the same goals. He 'gets' it now, understands how it helps not only me but 'us.' He realizes now how badly he longed to be trusted and deferred to as the man in my life and as I've given that to him I've watched him blossom as a man the same as he's watched me blossom as a woman as he's given me his leadership.  Now he will say to me, he understands why this works for us.

Last year, on our 15th wedding anniversary (and our 2nd DDversary) J collared me and I gave him a gold chain to signify his leadership in my life.

My collar is still around my neck. I consider it near the value of my wedding band. It's been pulled by my youngest and has tarnished a bit from wear, but I won't remove it. My kids have asked me why I never take it off and I simply reply, "because it's from Daddy."

DD has helped us so, so much. I can't express how worth the risk it was for us to try it.
J needed me to let him be a man and I needed to let myself let go of trying to control everything.
There was so, so much J needed from me that I didn't give him, my trust, my admiration- now I can't even look at the man without swooning. When I compliment something he's done, he gets this certain look on his face that makes me bust out laughing because it's unequivocally the same as puffing out his chest. When I see the adorable manly things he does, I swoon for him. I never knew before that it could be this way.

Monday, August 19, 2019

Our Story (Part 1)

On my previous blog, I posted the story of how J and I met and I wanted to recreate those posts here. I don't have the original ones, unfortunately, so I'm writing them again. 
My motto as a writer and the message I aim to share is that if something is broken, it can be fixed. It doesn't have to stay broken. 
By sharing our story, I hope you can see why I say that. J and I didn't have an easy road when we chose to be together. There was a lot that contributed to our journey being difficult. But, we made it, are making it, and DD has helped us tremendously with our goals as a couple.
My aim is to inspire but I also want to be cautious...
 J and I don't support abuse, and I want to emphasis that when I encourage fixing a broken relationship I am referring to one of value.
Not all things in our lives are good for us and you need to be careful when evaluating which is which. Some relationships may be toxic and unhealthy. It's up to you to decide where your relationship lies. If there is value though, and you both truly love each other, I encourage you to put in the work needed to repair it. It may take time, tears, and pain, but it's worth it!
This month is the month of our 16th wedding anniversary- a milestone, at one time, I didn't think we would reach- and happily at that! 
So here is the story of how J and I met, married, and first heard about and implemented DD. Part of it has been taken from a previous post I wrote. I hope you'll bear with me as I reflect and that our story inspires and brings you hope. Enjoy!

I was nineteen when I met him. I wasn't expecting to that day in early September, eighteen years ago. When I got out of my car and headed across the parking lot to the party supply shop the last thing on my mind was love. I was a woman on a mission...

 I had just finished writing my first novel-length story and friends and I were going to make some fun teasers for it. I was heading in to buy the props we'd need.
When I walked in the door, there he was, walking towards me. He wore a red boa around his shoulders and carried a clipboard in his hand- busily putting away items and taking inventory.

"Well, look at you, already dressed for Halloween," he teased, referring to the black cloak I wore around my shoulders. That in addition to my dyed red hair was enough to grab the attention of most. I cringe to think of it now. Still, he was intrigued by my eccentricities.

"No, I'm just fighting a cold," I stated, to explain why I was wearing warm apparel in late summer.
He smiled and I went along to do my shopping.

Somewhere along the way, I needed help finding items and went back to him to ask for assistance. As he walked around the store with me, pointing out items along the way, I talked about the project I was working on, and he talked about the video broadcasting courses he was taking at a local college. He was also a writer, and we exchanged numbers, planning to meet again when he was off work.

A couple days went by and he called. He offered to pick me up and when he did, we went to a nearby park, each with our writings, and sat on the hill to read to each other.
I had figured out by this point he was single, and I was already falling for him hard. Something about him made me feel safe and cared for. Maybe it was the way he opened the car door for me or the way he helped me down the hill when I tripped over my own feet while we walked back to his car, but I knew I liked him.

Something about me- I didn't trust easily. I hadn't dated anyone in the past two years after being hurt in another relationship. I refused to get interested in anyone unless I felt something was different about them- I knew I would know whatever that was when I found it.

After that first date, we made another, and many more followed. Soon, we had completely lost focus of the book project we had originally set out to work on.
We shared more of our writings and he showed me the video projects he put together. We began spending most of our free time hanging out and the rest is history...

We dated for a year before he asked me to marry him. In the rain, he proposed to me, kneeling in his suit underneath my umbrella. I was ecstatic and, of course, said "yes."

The first time J and I stumbled upon Domestic Discipline was when we were engaged and back then our reaction to it was the more typical one. We thought it was absurd. There was a part of me that wanted to submit to J, out of love- but this- spanking your girl if she disobeys shit- just seemed to be repressive.
We tried it though and the first time J threatened to spank me for having an attitude with him I told him off- and that was the end of that.
He backed off and I never submitted to him. We were the typical, "girl runs the show," couple. Truthfully I hated it and I think J did too. At the time though, he felt it was more loving to let me have my way, so he did.

A year later, we got married. I wish I could say that things were bliss, but the truth is, we experienced many ups and downs as a newlywed couple.
I struggled as a young wife to trust J fully and  I knew there was something keeping me from connecting with him in our early years of marriage. I wasn't able to fully let go and trust another person even though he'd never given me a reason not to trust him. The whole love and respect cycle was off for us and nothing seemed to help us fix this problem. Marriage called for my trust to be on a whole deeper level, and I wasn't ready for that yet. I hadn't realized that would be hard for me. Because of some deep hurts that still lingered from my childhood, I struggled to give myself fully to J. He didn't understand it, and in time began withdrawing from me.

We were both hurting, but we loved each other... so we stuck it out.

We had children and began raising our family, and all my time and energy went into being their mama. I soaked them up. I was all about them. I had always wanted to be a mom and now I was.
Our days were long- J worked long hours so I could stay home with our kids, and I attending school part-time working towards my teaching degree.

Fast forward a few years- our family had grown and our oldest children had aged and entered school.
I accepted a position working with special-ed kids- But something happened during this point in our story that caused us to take a look at our relationship and make a change. Finally, we had to come to terms with things not being right between us.
My parents had decided to divorce, and it shook me. I hadn't even realized things were going wrong between them-  had been for some time. Although my relationship with my father had been strained growing up, I didn't want them to divorce and I tried everything I could think of to encourage them to stay together.
If they could desire a divorce, although things seemed fine, would our marriage wind up in trouble- one that obviously had its weaknesses?

 J and I embraced each other and began experiencing a reawakening in our marriage. After struggling for years to feel connected with him, we finally began to grow close again. I began to desire him in a way I hadn't in a long time. Sex became frequent- like every night, and I began needing his leadership in a way that I didn't understand.

But when I realized there was nothing I could do to help my parents, I became depressed. I'd work all day and come home to my husband and kids, cook dinner and do chores, only to kill the pain drinking once the kids were put to bed for the night. Sometimes, I even bought cigarettes- something J hated.
He couldn't stand it, but I couldn't stop. I just wanted to escape and feel better.

That's when I remembered hearing about Domestic Discipline (DD)...

(Please visit back next week for Part 2 of our story)

Monday, August 12, 2019

Interviewed by Eileen Troemel

This past week, I experienced being on the other end of the interview when Eileen Troemel was kind enough to interview me for the release of my debut novel, "Correcting Candi."
I wanted to share it with my readers here.
I'm excited to begin my journey as an author! I hope you will check out my book. Enjoy! 

You can check out Eileen's blog by clicking here

Author Bio

I have a strong belief that when something of value is broken- a person, a keepsake, or a relationship- you don’t throw it away, you fix it! Whether the thing in need of repair is a character trait, an attitude, an heirloom, or a marriage- you do whatever is necessary to repair it if possible.

My focus is relationships. My passion is love. Much of my writing embraces themes such as renewed relationships, trust and forgiveness, repentance and correction, and character refining. I was given the advice once, “Don’t be afraid to be bold,” and that is how I try to approach my writing.

Tell us about yourself.

I’m in my late 30’s and married to my husband of 16 years. We live in New England with our four children ages 2-11, 2 cats, and a hamster.

Aside from my writing I also blog, and homeschool 2 of my children.

When did you know you wanted to be an author?

I’ve been writing since I was a kid. I’m not sure I ever thought I’d be an author but I always had a secret desire to be published.

What genres do you like to read? Are these the same genres you write in?
I enjoy drama, historical fiction, romance and some thrillers. I prefer not to read books in the genre I write in because I find it affects my own voice. I do read some authors but I’m specific about the ones I choose.

Is your book for adults, young adults or children?

Adults as it contains some sexual content

What is your current release or project?

I’ve recently released my debut novel, ‘Correcting Candi,’ which is book one in my ‘Starting Over’ series.

Book 2, ‘Naming His Price,’ is due to be released- date pending.

Books 3 and 4 are works in progress.

Tell us about the key characters

In ‘Correcting Candi’, the main characters are Candice Papageorgiou and Ralph Hamilton.

Candi is a girl in her twenties who still lives at home in upstate New York. She comes from a wealthy family and hasn’t learned to ‘adult’ or take responsibility for herself and her own actions, yet.
After losing another job, her father sends her to see a job recruiter in order to teach her a lesson. The recruiter she sees is Ralph Hamilton.

Ralph is the complete opposite of Candi. He’s learned from a young age to work hard and be self- reliant. When he meets Candi at his office, he is repelled by her at first but due to some of his own ghosts in the past, decides he would like to help her learn to be responsible. The methods he employs are unconventional but he believes strongly in their ability.

What is your blurb or synopsis of the book?

Candi is a twenty-five-year-old young woman living off her daddy’s money in New York. Having everything handed to her certainly hasn’t helped her in the maturity department and when her father threatens to cut her off, she has no choice but to find a job. When she meets with a job recruiter, Ralph Hamilton, seeking employment, he is baffled by the constant setbacks she’s had with each previous employer. After getting to know her, Ralph is on to her. She may think life is being unkind, but he has other ideas…

Ralph Hamilton is the owner of R. Hamilton & Co. Life has thrown him some curve balls, but when he meets Candice, she proves to be just the woman he needs to get his life back. Little does Candi know that his influence in her life will go far beyond the office…

Share an excerpt

“I understand that, Mista Hamilton but you still haven’t told me what you are proposing…”

He sat back and nodded his agreement. “What I am proposing, Candice is for you to allow me to reform you.” His eyes met hers, silently, with an authoritative presence that was all their own. She wanted to burst out laughing again but when she looked into his eyes, she could see he wasn’t bluffing. “And how do you intend to do that?” she questioned, eyes wide with disbelief. “First, I would like to make it very clear that our relationship would be strictly platonic. I am not out to hit on you or try to take advantage of you. I will view you as an employer views their employee. You likewise will refer to me as Sir. You would reside in my home and have rules which you would be expected to follow and routines which you would be expected to keep. Adherence to your rules and responsibilities would earn you rewards and privileges and rule-breaking would earn you punishments.”

“Um,” she croaked, her mouth dry from falling open. “What do you mean by punishments?”

“I mean that you will be punished for failure to adhere to my authority in any way that I see fit. The methods I use could be as simple as a reprimand or they could be as complex and humbling as a thorough bare bottom spanking, given over my knee. Do you catch my drift?”

Blushing – she could actually feel herself blushing! She couldn’t remember the last time she had done so. No one had that effect on her, ever. And while she sat there trying to contain her embarrassment, and arousal, he sat across from her cool as a cucumber, not so much as breaking a sweat.

Do you have a favorite scene?

Probably this one, because the characters have come to a place in their journey together, where they are finally on the same page…

“I don’t want you to let me…” Candi interjected, her eyes pleading in his direction. Fear was etched across her face, a look he’d never seen her wear before. He’d seen her nervous before, yes. She was nervous when he gave her a spanking, but this was not that. Every feature of her face was drawn out and taut as if her life itself depended on his staying. “Please don’t go, Ralph.” She reached out for him afraid this would be the last time, afraid he’d make her leave and not return. “I’ll take the spanking, please. I want to do better than this. Teach me, Ralph, teach me to do right.”

What advice would you give to a new writer?

Well, I am still a beginner myself, but to anyone who has a dream to write or be published my advice is to hone the skill. Do everything you can to protect your dream and carve out time to work on it. Set aside time for yourself each day to work towards your goal- and let others know that time is yours, and only to interrupt if absolutely necessary.

One piece of advice that helps me is – you won’t start off a great writer. Your writing will get better as you do it!

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Monday, August 5, 2019

Interview with Author Jillian Keenan

The first time I heard of Jillian Keenan was when I read an article written by her years ago. I recently read her book, "Sex With Shakespeare," and remembered her article from years before. Here is the interview I've conducted with her. Enjoy!

I remember reading an article you wrote on spanking way back before I ever confronted my own fascination with it. Back when I read it though, it was a balm for me. It was the first time I’d ever read anything about another person feeling the same as I did.

Thank you! I’m so glad you liked that article. J

         I’m sure many of us can relate to you when you say it was hard to accept who you are in regards to your sexuality. What was the catalyst that helped you to do that?

There was no single moment when I finally accepted my sexuality – the truth is, I still occasionally struggle with it. The easiest explanation is that I reached a point where the risk of living an incomplete life scared me more than the risk of destroying my reputation. 

         Do you feel that your sexuality is a result of how you are “wired”, by certain experiences you’ve had, or a combination of both?

My sexuality is innate, unchosen, and lifelong – I am certain of that. I can’t explain why I was born with this fetish, but I am firmly convinced that it was not caused by trauma or any other experiences. That being said, early experiences did interact with my fetish: when I was spanked as a child, the experience was more than just a physical violation – it was a sexual violation, too.

         You make a strong statement in your book- “The first person I loved was also the first person I feared (Keenan, P. 31).”  - How do you feel your relationship with your mom affected your sexuality?

My relationship with my mother did not cause my fetish, but abusive memories from childhood made it much harder for me to accept that my sexuality is healthy and natural. When psychology and pop culture were both telling me that my fetish was a response to trauma – and I did, in fact, have traumatic childhood memories that involved spanking – the fear that something was “wrong” with me was hard to resist. The realization that trauma doesn’t cause kink, but kink can cause trauma – in other words, that if a child’s innate sexuality is used against her in a punitive way, trauma is a reasonable and natural response – was the single most important moment of my life.

         I like the metaphor you used that fetishists regard tears as comparable to orgasms (P. 71). Would you explain what you mean by this?  

They’re both cathartic expressions of release!

         How have you learned to deal with sub-drop?

In my experience, the best way to deal with drop is often just to realize that I’m dropping. During drop, it feels like the world is ending – but it isn’t. Drop is just the emotional and physical response to the endorphins and adrenaline of a great spanking fading away. It’s like coming down after a drug high. Drop is brutal, and shouldn’t be underestimated – talking to friends usually helps me the most.

         In your book, you shared a traumatic experience you had at the hands of your mother. Have you ever told her about your sexuality and how that affected you? What was her response?

She has read my book and thinks it’s unfair. She is entitled to her opinion, of course. We don’t have a good relationship.

         I enjoyed reading about your relationship with John and was saddened when it ended. Have you heard from him since the break-up?

I have not heard from him, and he has no social media presence and therefore is immune to cyber-stalking. I hope he’s doing well, though! 

         You describe your husband as a more ‘vanilla’ type man. How have you learned to make your
relationship mutually satisfying?

One year after my book came out, David left me for another woman because, among other things, “the spanking thing is weird.” (Those are his words, not mine.) I was, and remain, devastated. But I don’t regret outing myself to him, and I don’t regret writing my book. I would rather be dumped as the woman I am than loved as a woman I am not.

       If you could go back in time and speak to yourself as a child, what would you say to the little girl you were?

I’d tell her to save that babysitting money and invest in Facebook. Anything else I could say would be a mistake – she needed to discover herself on her time.

Thank you, Jillian, for your very honest answers. I hope you know that many of us can relate to so much of what you've said and that we support you! Thank you again for agreeing to be interviewed. 

If you'd like to follow Jillian you can find her by clicking on the links below for her website and twitter. You can also purchase her book, "Sex With Shakespeare," by clicking on the Amazon link. Thanks for visiting!