Thank you for joining me today for Part 2 of Our Story. Last week I told you about how J and I met, married, and some of the struggle we experienced in our newlywed years. I explained how, in time, I came to learn more about Domestic Discipline, and because J and I were experiencing a newfound closeness in our relationship, I wanted to give it a try. I never wanted to make the mistakes in our marriage that we had before. I wanted him to teach me to trust and respect him. I wanted him to confront me when I was out of line, and correct it rather than withdraw from me.
Today I will tell you about when I first mentioned the idea of DD to J.
As I explained in my last post (part 1 of our story) J and I had heard of DD before, but that had been years ago and something had triggered my memory of it, causing me to research it again.
When I first brought up the idea of DD, J said no. He didn't think it was right for a husband to discipline his wife. To him, it was the opposite of loving- it was controlling. J grew up with an abusive father and it was the last thing on Earth he wanted to be.
In time though, as he learned more about it, he began to understand how the lifestyle is not about control per se, but about love. The effort it takes to put your submissive first and be concerned with every aspect of her life, as she puts her dominant first, yielding her will to his own, is about love and commitment. There is control involved but it is a power I freely give to him because I trust him not to abuse it. It isn't control for the sake of control. This would take time for him to come to terms with but once he did he saw how much it benefited our relationship. Here is the rest of our story:)
When I finally realized that I not only wanted but needed this from J it didn't rest easy with me at first. Why would I want this? I was an adult, a mama. It was my responsibility to care for others. I was not a child. I had no longing to become one. Still, there was this need and I didn't know how to wrap my head around it. It took some time before I was willing to admit it to myself.
When I finally got up the courage to tell J about what I wanted I had a hard time explaining it to him. It's kinda hard to go to your husband and explain why you want this. Of course, he figured it was something I just needed here and there. He thought all I really wanted was to be spanked. When I explained I wanted a lifestyle change, to follow and submit to him fully and accept discipline when I failed, he didn't exactly understand. For the longest, he told me no. He said he had no problem spanking me for fun, but he didn't feel it was right for a husband to punish his wife. He felt it was controlling for a husband to do that to his wife.
I think a part of me used my depression to try and convince him I needed this. Sometimes I'd even say to him- "If you would just spank me maybe I wouldn't need the smokes." Pretty bratty, huh...
But I needed it, I knew I did. I needed someone to tell me no and put their foot down. I needed something to help me cope. Don't get me wrong, J was always there for me. He wouldn't let me get too involved in the drama with the family. But I felt guilty for what I couldn't fix and at the end of the day, I needed to reach for something to soothe the grief. Would a spanking have made that different? Not by itself. I needed to be told that I wouldn't be allowed to come unhinged. I needed his dominance so that I could believe that I wouldn't crumble. The spanking would have been one method to showing me that but in and of itself would not have been enough. Essentially what I was asking him for was to shelter me, put up walls to protect me, boundaries and limits, and yes... consequences so I would obey him and keep myself on solid ground.
It was hard to explain that to my husband. Most men, in my experience, seem to have a concrete view of things. They're either black or white. It's the hunter and gatherer in them, I think. It's their primal nature to be the provider and protector. They don't differentiate as easily as women do.
He used to respond at times by saying, "Why are you so upset just because I haven't spanked you."
That used to shut me down real fast. It was so hard to be misunderstood by him. The rest of the world could have misunderstood me and I wouldn't have minded so much as I did when he didn't understand.
He just didn't understand and it was the loneliest feeling ever. I would try to explain, it wasn't because he didn't spank me exactly, but because his lack of taking charge of me on a personal level made me feel like he didn't care. I needed him to make my personal well- being a priority and not let me destroy myself by making unhealthy decisions. Because if left up to me, I was past the point of caring what I did to myself. I just wanted to feel better. I needed him to take personal stock of being my husband.
Over time though, through practice and trial and error, J did come to understand. We do have hiccups from time to time, lulls that are hard to get through, but we're still pushing towards the same goals. He 'gets' it now, understands how it helps not only me but 'us.' He realizes now how badly he longed to be trusted and deferred to as the man in my life and as I've given that to him I've watched him blossom as a man the same as he's watched me blossom as a woman as he's given me his leadership. Now he will say to me, he understands why this works for us.
Last year, on our 15th wedding anniversary (and our 2nd DDversary) J collared me and I gave him a gold chain to signify his leadership in my life.
My collar is still around my neck. I consider it near the value of my wedding band. It's been pulled by my youngest and has tarnished a bit from wear, but I won't remove it. My kids have asked me why I never take it off and I simply reply, "because it's from Daddy."
DD has helped us so, so much. I can't express how worth the risk it was for us to try it.
J needed me to let him be a man and I needed to let myself let go of trying to control everything.
There was so, so much J needed from me that I didn't give him, my trust, my admiration- now I can't even look at the man without swooning. When I compliment something he's done, he gets this certain look on his face that makes me bust out laughing because it's unequivocally the same as puffing out his chest. When I see the adorable manly things he does, I swoon for him. I never knew before that it could be this way.