Monday, May 13, 2019

What's Keeping You Trapped?




It's something for everyone. We all have our own stories. For me, it was the fear that I was abnormal. I had to keep this side of myself secret from others because there was something wrong with me. There was something wrong with this desire I had, whatever it was.
I also came from a conservative family and for a long time, I struggled to justify my desire for this with my faith...


From the earliest age, I remember being fascinated by spanking. Whether it was depicted in books or on tv, something about it fascinated me. I didn't differentiate between whether I liked viewing it or wanted it. I was a young child. I had no concept of sexuality and the thought of a real spanking was terrifying.

When I entered my teen years the feeling grew stronger and I learned what masochism was. I figured that must be what I was dealing with although it didn't exactly fit for me. There was a part of me that connected emotionally to the thought of spanking. I wanted to be lovingly spanked, something missing in my childhood. In my home spanking had been done in anger and I was terrified of it. This made my fascination with it more confusing for me.

J and I first heard about Domestic Discipline when we were dating (I was 19 when we met and he was 23) and back then our reaction to it was the more typical one. We thought it was absurd. There was a part of me that wanted to submit to J, out of love- but this- spanking your girl if she disobeys shit- just seemed to be repressive.
We tried it though and the first time J threatened to spank me for having an attitude with him I told him off- and that was the end of that.
He backed off and I never submitted to him. We were the typical, "girl runs the show," couple. Truthfully I hated it and I think J did too. At the time though, he felt it was more loving to let me have my way, so he did.

As a young wife, I had completely shunned this side of myself, even to the point I denied ever having an interest in spanking. J and I dabbled in playful spanking here and there and he would spank me for fun or while being intimate and we both liked it, but it wasn't something I felt I needed. The feelings I had as a child had all been stuffed but I knew there was something keeping me from connecting fully to J in our early years of marriage. I wasn't able to fully let go and trust another person even though he'd never given me a reason not to trust him. The whole love and respect cycle was off for us and nothing seemed to help us fix this problem.

We had children, and all my time and energy went into being their mama. I soaked them up. I was all about them. I had always wanted to be a mom and now I was. I continued to have absolutely no interest in spanking. J spent all his time working and I spent my time caring for our littles.
Fast forward a few years- our family had grown and our oldest children had aged, something changed for me. I began to think about spanking again...

I don't know exactly how the blinders came off. It may have been a lot of things. J and I were experiencing a reawakening in our marriage. After struggling for years to feel connected with him, we began to grow closer again. I began to desire him in a way I hadn't in a long time. Sex became frequent- like every night, and my desire to be spanked came out of the closet again. I realized, after all those years, it hadn't disappeared, it had just taken a back seat. It wasn't just spanking though, that I wanted. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what I was longing for. But I remembered hearing about  Domestic Discipline years before, so I started there.

At first, I struggled with my desires. I read everything I could find about DD online. For reasons I didn't understand, I craved this lifestyle with J. It wasn't just a spanking for the play that I wanted. It was a lifestyle of being guided and protected and disciplined by him when I needed to be.


When I finally realized that I not only wanted but needed this from J it didn't rest easy with me at first. Why would I want this? I was an adult, a mama. It was my responsibility to care for others. I was not a child. I had no longing to become one. Still, there was this need and I didn't know how to wrap my head around it. It took some time before I was willing to admit it to myself.

 I wanted to lean on God and let my spiritual relationship with him be the answer. I think even God was nudging me, prodding me to take that step closer to my husband and allow him to be the man in my life he'd put him there to be. I think he was telling me that he alone wasn't meant to be enough. He gave me a husband for a reason and I needed to acknowledge that relationship and let it blossom. I needed to stop being afraid to open myself up to his love. So many feel the opposite, I think. They struggle with opening up and trusting God when for me I needed to put faith in the husband God gave me and accept his love.

Through reading and talking with others, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that the draw to this lifestyle stemmed from a desire to be nurtured and loved. I wanted to be loved wholly, even at my worst- something missing from my childhood. I wanted to be able to give my trust entirely to my husband. I wanted to know that no matter what we went through, he had me and loved me and that would never change. I wanted to know I was safe.

When I finally got up the courage to tell J about what I wanted I had a hard time explaining it to him. It's kinda hard to go to your husband and explain why you want this. Of course, he figured it was something I just needed here and there, like before. He thought all I really wanted was to be spanked. When I explained I wanted a lifestyle change, to follow and submit to him fully and accept discipline when I failed, he didn't exactly understand. For the longest, he told me no. He said he had no problem spanking me for fun, but he didn't feel it was right for a husband to punish his wife. He felt it was controlling for a husband to do that to his wife.

Our relationship continued growing stronger. We went away on a retreat together that year and found our marriage blossoming. I still brought DD up from time to time. He still said 'no'. But then something happened...
I began to experience depression. I was having a hard time coping with some personal matters going on with outside family members. After working with special ed kids all day I'd pick up my kids and return home to chores and prep dinner- but once the kids were down for the night. I would pour a drink. Sometimes, I even bought cigarettes- something J hated.

I think a part of me used my depression to try and convince him I needed this. Sometimes I'd even say to him- "If you would just spank me maybe I wouldn't need the smokes." Pretty bratty, huh...
But I needed it, I knew I did. I needed someone to tell me no and put their foot down. I needed something to help me cope. Don't get me wrong, J was always there for me. He wouldn't let me get too involved in the drama with the family. But I felt guilty for what I couldn't fix and at the end of the day, I needed to reach for something to soothe the grief. Would a spanking have made that different? Not by itself. I needed to be told that I wouldn't be allowed to come unhinged. I needed his dominance so that I could believe that I wouldn't crumble. The spanking would have been one method to showing me that but in and of itself would not have been enough. Essentially what I was asking him for was to shelter me, put up walls to protect me, boundaries and limits, and yes... consequences so I would obey him and keep myself on solid ground.

It was hard to explain that to my husband. Most men, in my experience, seem to have a concrete view of things. They're either black or white. It's the hunter and gatherer in them, I think. It's their primal nature to be the provider and protector. They don't differentiate as easily as women do.
He used to respond at times by saying, "Why are you so upset just because I haven't spanked you."
That used to shut me down real fast. It was so hard to be misunderstood by him. The rest of the world could have misunderstood me and I wouldn't have minded so much as I did when he didn't understand.

He just didn't understand and it was the loneliest feeling ever. I would try to explain, it wasn't because he didn't spank me exactly, but because his lack of taking charge of me on a personal level made me feel like he didn't care. I needed him to make my personal well- being a priority and not let me destroy myself by making unhealthy decisions. Because if left up to me, I was past the point of caring what I did to myself. I just wanted to feel better. I needed him to take personal stock of being my husband.

Over time though, through practice and trial and error, J did come to understand. We do have hiccups from time to time, lulls that are hard to get through, but we're still pushing towards the same goals. He 'gets' it now, understands how it helps not only me but 'us.' He realizes now how badly he longed to be trusted and deferred to as the man in my life and as I've given that to him I've watched him blossom as a man the same as he's watched me blossom as a woman as he's given me his leadership.  Now he will say to me, he understands why this works for us.

DD has helped us so, so much. I can't express how worth the risk it was for us to try it.
J needed me to let him be a man and I needed to let myself let go of trying to control everything.
There was so, so much J needed from me that I didn't give him, my trust, my admiration- now I can't even look at the man without swooning. When I compliment something he's done, he gets this certain look on his face that makes me bust out laughing because it's unequivocally the same as puffing out his chest. When I see the adorable manly things he does, I swoon for him. I never knew before that it could be this way.

If you or your spouse is struggling to come to terms with why you want this, I encourage you to identify why that is and systematically address it. This lifestyle isn't for everyone,  true, but if it's on your heart it's there for a reason. I encourage you to dig deeper and confront any bias you might be holding about why this wouldn't be okay for you. If it's not okay for you, that's fine. Just make sure you're not denying yourself for someone else or for a perceived notion of this being wrong.
I had to let go of my notion that a good Christian woman wouldn't want this sort of a lifestyle, or that others would judge me for partaking in it. In all reality, they might for all I know and I have to be confident enough in our decision to not let that bother me. Your happiness is worth more than the worry of what someone else is going to think nor will you ever make every single person in your life happy no matter what you decide. I encourage you to go with your heart on this. Even if it turns out to not be for you- you won't know until you try.

8 comments:

  1. What a fabulous post Jlynne, and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm this will be helpful for those struggling and I know many of us can relate.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thank you Roz. I'm glad you could relate.
      xxx

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  2. I appreciate you sharing deeply and openly here, JLynne. It is an encouragement to those of us who are practicing TTWD, but who do encounter some major disruptions of it to the point where we almost call quits on this lifestyle. I identify with a lot of what you have shared. Thank you. Windy

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    1. Thanks Windy. I agree, it's nice to know we aren't alone with the ups and downs that can occur, especially within our niche.
      I'm glad you were able to identify with my experiences.

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  3. Wow, this just answered almost all the questions I have ever wanted to ask you my friend. I'm so glad you are living a life that brings you happiness ❤

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  4. Hi there. New blogger here. What a great post. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. Thank you for being so honest and open about your journey!

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  5. Hi Riley,
    I'm so glad you stopped by. Thank you for the compliment. I'm glad you were able to relate.

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