Friday, December 7, 2018

The Importance of Self- Care During the Beauty of Self- Sacrifice

Good morning,
 I hope this post finds you well. This past week has been a difficult one for my family and after my last post, I feel it is appropriate that I blog it out and update readers here.
In my last post, I explained that one of our children was having a hard time and how the stress of it was an example of how a stressful situation can put a strain on our dynamic. My submission to J tends to wane as I try to cope with the stressor and I tend to not submit well in those moments. 
Well, things took a turn for the worse last week and though things are better now, we're not out of the woods yet. 
Our daughter was admitted to the children's hospital for a few days suffering from dehydration due to not wanting to eat or drink. This child has an allergy to Gluten and became afraid to eat, thinking that all food would make her sick. She's 5. 
So during this ordeal, I stayed with her. There was no way under heaven or earth I could leave one of my children in this situation alone. I stayed right by her side, holding her every time they had to poke her with a needle, every time they had to flush her IV, every time they had to take blood from her IV which hurt worse than the needle pricks because her veins were so small. I only left her side to go to the cafeteria to get something to eat- and then only when a PCA or a family member was free to sit with her. 
I missed my other babies terribly who were staying at my mother's house so that J  could  come and go and get to work. In all the hardship of it, it was a gift to have so much time with my daughter whom, as a mother of many littles, I don't get a lot of one on one time with. We colored together and snuggled to a movie, I took her for several spins around the unit in a little car that they had there. It was a wonderful bonding experience. And through it all, I sat and watched every bite she took, softly encouraging her to eat and trust food again. 
She began to look better. Her eyes weren't so dark, her face wasn't so pale and she began to regain the few pounds she had lost. I, on the other hand, began to fade. Before I realized what was happening I became sick and also had to be treated for exhaustion. Even then I tried to fight through it but my body couldn't and had to rest.  I wound up in the children's ED, floors apart from her. I had to let others take over in order to care for myself. 
I felt horrible for getting sick and not being with her. I felt horrible for getting sick in a children's hospital, feeling like I was taking the caregivers away from the children that needed them. I was surprised when I was told that what happened to me happens far more often then one would think. Actually, no one really seemed surprised that I had gotten sick.
It is so easy for mothers and for submissives as well to give at their own expense. We love deeply, passionately. We give and we don't mind it because we love so much. It's a beautiful kind of love that we feel for others and I believe it is unique to it's calling.
That being said, we run the risk of giving to the point where we neglect ourselves. Not that we mean to, because we know we must care for ourselves, but because we are so preoccupied supporting those we love.
I needed to advocate for my daughter and support her care but by doing so I neglected my own. That's what mothers do. But there comes a time when we need to step back and let someone else take over for a bit so we can take care of ourselves. Even then, we do it because it's for the good of those we love that we are able to stay strong. Even then, it isn't selfish but necessary.
J and I stayed in touch by phone and text while we were apart. He came to the hospital on his off hours when he was able. He reminded me to take care of myself, to eat, to rest, not to overdo it. I did my best to obey him. When he first arrived at the ED as I was being cared for his first thought was that I hadn't obeyed him and had neglected myself. I assured him I had obeyed. I'd eaten when I needed to, rested when our daughter was asleep, I'd taken quick showers. But in spite of all I had done to try and keep myself going, my body had worn out. As I stayed in touch updating concerned family and friends, consulted with umpteenth medical personnel to work towards a treatment plan for our daughter, watched over her and provided the support needed to implement the plan, my own reserves were depleted.
When I recovered enough to be discharged from the ED, J wheeled me back up to our daughter. Luckily she had also recovered enough and a discharge plan had been put in place so we were both able to leave that night. When we finally got everyone home I threw myself into washing everything and straightening up the house. In spite of J's concern that I rest, he allowed me to do this. I explained to him that I needed things to get back to normal in order to feel like I could relax. I explained that I needed his support- with our daughter, with getting us all back to normal routine- he understood and threw himself into supporting me in whatever way I needed.
 Once the house was put back to order and all the laundry washed and put away, I sat down to go over a large stack of papers that had been waiting to be attended to all week. That's when he put his foot down and had me put it aside for later. It was Daddy time. He ordered me over to lay my head in his lap and he ran his hands through my hair, twisting and kneading the way I love. Then he rubbed my back and my body began to finally relax.

 I slept well that night and woke feeling more refreshed then I'd felt in days.
I read recently about another blogger who had a hard week not too long ago. She mentioned in her post how her dynamic with her husband had physically taken a back seat during the difficulty she faced yet was very much present in spite of it. My heart went out to her for the loss she spoke about throughout her post but as I read on, I learned something. Although a dynamic 'physically' must halt during times that are challenging like this, it can be very present still- by the way we give to each other mutually with our thoughts and our words, the way we respect each other, by the way we communicate and listen to the other, and by the way we give grace to each other during trials that are out of our hands.

J never got angry with me for telling him exactly what I needed from him. He never accused me of being 'unsubmissive' when I told him that I needed to do things my way- I needed to get my home together so we could get back to normal before I would be able to really relax. Although to him it appeared to be counterproductive, it was more relaxing at that moment for me to nest and put our home to rights then it was to take a nap or have a cup of coffee. Afterwards, though, I was able to do those things. I could feel my body relax as I went about the house cleaning up, or folded more laundry, or placed more clean clothing in closets and drawers.
Though physically our rituals where put to the side momentarily, our dynamic was very present in the way that we communicated our needs and sought out to support the other, the way we worked together and validated each other, the way we each thanked the other for the things we had done and were doing to support our home and family. By pulling together the beauty of our dynamic was revealed. The bond created through our dynamic was able to be exercised and fully present because it is in the trial that we find our strength, we find what we are made of. It is in the fire that we are put to test and refined.



  1. Jlynne, Thank you for sharing what you and your family have been through. Tough stuff! Your husband sounds like he reads you well and let you take care of some things once you got home so that you actually could relax.

    I'm so sorry your little 5 year old was afraid to eat because of gluten. That gluten has caused so many people some awful problems, my family members included. Best wishes on the discovery and recipes for new foods.

    Hope you and the family have a wonderful Christmas season and that everybody stays healthy! Hugs! Windy

    1. Thank you Windy. Our daughter is doing much better now. I wrote an update to this post which explains what was actually going on with her. It was tough!
      I am grateful that J understood what I needed and that we were able to work together so well to get our daughter through this.

  2. You've had quite the ordeal jlynne! ... so good to hear you and your daughter have both recovered and your J was there to support you and then soothe you once you regained some normalcy at home. I'm sure your ttwd connection was a key factor in getting you both through these trying times ... hugs! ... nj

    1. It really was an ordeal NJ. Thank you for your well wishes. I agree that our dynamic helped us get through this!

  3. Hi Jlynne,

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm sorry you and J went through such a scary time with your daughter. It's so hard and worrying when they are sick.

    You raise some important issues in this post. It is important to remember to take care of yourself while caring for others. I think we women often put so much into caring for us and neglect to care for ourselves, although not usually intentionally.

    I love how J handled things when you got home. While the physical aspects of ttwd may take a back seat when life gets in the way or stressful, other aspects remain very much alive.


  4. Why? In Seventh-Heaven,
    Jesus wont ever harm you, dear.
    God bless you.