Friday, December 7, 2018

The Importance of Self- Care During the Beauty of Self- Sacrifice

Good morning,
 I hope this post finds you well. This past week has been a difficult one for my family and after my last post, I feel it is appropriate that I blog it out and update readers here.
In my last post, I explained that one of our children was having a hard time and how the stress of it was an example of how a stressful situation can put a strain on our dynamic. My submission to J tends to wane as I try to cope with the stressor and I tend to not submit well in those moments. 
Well, things took a turn for the worse last week and though things are better now, we're not out of the woods yet. 
Our daughter was admitted to the children's hospital for a few days suffering from dehydration due to not wanting to eat or drink. This child has an allergy to Gluten and became afraid to eat, thinking that all food would make her sick. She's 5. 
So during this ordeal, I stayed with her. There was no way under heaven or earth I could leave one of my children in this situation alone. I stayed right by her side, holding her every time they had to poke her with a needle, every time they had to flush her IV, every time they had to take blood from her IV which hurt worse than the needle pricks because her veins were so small. I only left her side to go to the cafeteria to get something to eat- and then only when a PCA or a family member was free to sit with her. 
I missed my other babies terribly who were staying at my mother's house so that J  could  come and go and get to work. In all the hardship of it, it was a gift to have so much time with my daughter whom, as a mother of many littles, I don't get a lot of one on one time with. We colored together and snuggled to a movie, I took her for several spins around the unit in a little car that they had there. It was a wonderful bonding experience. And through it all, I sat and watched every bite she took, softly encouraging her to eat and trust food again. 
She began to look better. Her eyes weren't so dark, her face wasn't so pale and she began to regain the few pounds she had lost. I, on the other hand, began to fade. Before I realized what was happening I became sick and also had to be treated for exhaustion. Even then I tried to fight through it but my body couldn't and had to rest.  I wound up in the children's ED, floors apart from her. I had to let others take over in order to care for myself. 
I felt horrible for getting sick and not being with her. I felt horrible for getting sick in a children's hospital, feeling like I was taking the caregivers away from the children that needed them. I was surprised when I was told that what happened to me happens far more often then one would think. Actually, no one really seemed surprised that I had gotten sick.
It is so easy for mothers and for submissives as well to give at their own expense. We love deeply, passionately. We give and we don't mind it because we love so much. It's a beautiful kind of love that we feel for others and I believe it is unique to it's calling.
That being said, we run the risk of giving to the point where we neglect ourselves. Not that we mean to, because we know we must care for ourselves, but because we are so preoccupied supporting those we love.
I needed to advocate for my daughter and support her care but by doing so I neglected my own. That's what mothers do. But there comes a time when we need to step back and let someone else take over for a bit so we can take care of ourselves. Even then, we do it because it's for the good of those we love that we are able to stay strong. Even then, it isn't selfish but necessary.
J and I stayed in touch by phone and text while we were apart. He came to the hospital on his off hours when he was able. He reminded me to take care of myself, to eat, to rest, not to overdo it. I did my best to obey him. When he first arrived at the ED as I was being cared for his first thought was that I hadn't obeyed him and had neglected myself. I assured him I had obeyed. I'd eaten when I needed to, rested when our daughter was asleep, I'd taken quick showers. But in spite of all I had done to try and keep myself going, my body had worn out. As I stayed in touch updating concerned family and friends, consulted with umpteenth medical personnel to work towards a treatment plan for our daughter, watched over her and provided the support needed to implement the plan, my own reserves were depleted.
When I recovered enough to be discharged from the ED, J wheeled me back up to our daughter. Luckily she had also recovered enough and a discharge plan had been put in place so we were both able to leave that night. When we finally got everyone home I threw myself into washing everything and straightening up the house. In spite of J's concern that I rest, he allowed me to do this. I explained to him that I needed things to get back to normal in order to feel like I could relax. I explained that I needed his support- with our daughter, with getting us all back to normal routine- he understood and threw himself into supporting me in whatever way I needed. Once the house was put back to order and all the laundry washed and put away, I sat down to go over a large stack of papers that had been waiting to be attended to all week. That's when he put his foot down and had me put it aside for later. It was Daddy time. He ordered me over to lay my head in his lap and he ran his hands through my hair, twisting and kneading the way I love. Then he rubbed my back and my body began to finally relax. I slept well that night and woke feeling more refreshed then I'd felt in days.
I read recently about another blogger who had a hard week not too long ago. She mentioned in her post how her dynamic with her husband had physically taken a back seat during the difficulty she faced yet was very much present in spite of it. My heart went out to her for the loss she spoke about throughout her post but as I read on, I learned something. Although a dynamic 'physically' must halt during times that are challenging like this, it can be very present still- by the way we give to each other mutually with our thoughts and our words, the way we respect each other, by the way we communicate and listen to the other, and by the way we give grace to each other during trials that are out of our hands.
J never got angry with me for telling him exactly what I needed from him. He never accused me of being 'unsubmissive' when I told him that I needed to do things my way- I needed to get my home together so we could get back to normal before I would be able to really relax. Although to him it appeared to be counterproductive, it was more relaxing at that moment for me to nest and put our home to rights then it was to take a nap or have a cup of coffee. Afterwards, though, I was able to do those things. I could feel my body relax as I went about the house cleaning up, or folded more laundry, or placed more clean clothing in closets and drawers.
Though physically our rituals where put to the side momentarily, our dynamic was very present in the way that we communicated our needs and sought out to support the other, the way we worked together and validated each other, the way we each thanked the other for the things we had done and were doing to support our home and family. By pulling together the beauty of our dynamic was revealed. The bond created through our dynamic was able to be exercised and fully present because it is in the trial that we find our strength, we find what we are made of. It is in the fire that we are put to test and refined.


Sunday, December 2, 2018

Awaiting a Spanking

Today was awful... can I just say that again?

Today was friggin' AWFUL!!

I would normally be having a date night with J right now, wrapped in a blanket and cuddled in front of the tv with a drink or something to the likes of that but that is so not happening tonight. Date night has been canceled because we have had such a horrid day and I'm also getting a  spanking tomorrow night- and I'm pretty sure it's going to be a doozy.

If this sounds funny, I don't mean for it to. I'm just shy of becoming a catatonic couch potato that babbles incoherently into space (you know like in that movie Overboard- bababababa)

It all started at the butt-crack of dawn, one of our littles has been having a hard time now for... gosh I don't even know how long. Well, we are in a whole new round of issues now that I won't get into. Let's just say that it's related to food allergies and leave it at that.

I'm sure many of you in blog land know this, but when your littles have problems of whatever sort and you don't know what the hell to do, you tend to run the gamut of possibilities until you get a lead that points you in the possible right direction. It can be stressful as hell! You may turn on your partner and end up fighting. You may say some really stupid things that you really don't mean because you're stressed out and pissed off and can't take it out on your little who is the initial cause of your anger. You may feel guilty because they need you, they trust you and you shouldn't be angry at them. You may feel upset at your partner because deep down, you know they are fighting with the same ugly feelings that you have. We're there! And although we're not doing awful as far as our relationship goes, we're worn out, stressed with obligations and responsibilities, missing each other, and trying to hold on.
Remember that post I wrote on submitting with distractions?! Well, guess what guys, this is a distraction at its finest. These are the moments when I have the hardest time EVER submitting to J. I'm not even worthy of telling you all how to do it. I'm no expert! I'm just another wife posting another take on ttwd like all the other bloggers in blogland.
What I CAN tell you is, if you're struggling, you are not alone. It's not always easy. It takes work, demands it, even when you're at your weakest.
In those moments sometimes I think of others like myself- others who practice this male-led lifestyle and have children and large families. I think of them keeping on going on and I take a deep breath and keep trying. I need to remind myself that I'm not alone.
Sometimes I go to other blogs and read there for a while, just so I can see I'm not the only one. I read about what's going on in their lives and take notice of how they've come through things. I remember other times in our marriage that we came through and how our dynamic helped us get there. I remind myself that we can get through whatever we're facing now too.
We are going through a trial right now but if we pull together we will be fine. Sometimes it's just hard to choose to see things from a positive perspective.
I know this won't last forever and it's just a momentary blip in our lives, but can I just say it sucks, it's hard, it's not what  I wanted, It's not how I wanted our day to go.
Deep breath...


Monday, November 19, 2018

Can anyone relate?

J and I are heavily into routines. Almost everything in our home is planned out ahead of time from what we'll eat for dinner on a daily basis to what gets done and when. We both thrive on schedules. I guess it should be no surprise to me then, that we are thinking of further ritualizing our D/s- even right down to using recitations for certain moments of our day, like our check-ins.
So I have been assigned the task of gathering whatever examples I can find of recitations/ rituals for us to read about and think on when we have our bigger check-in (usually referred to as our date night) at the end of the week. So, we'll see what happens. Perhaps we'll find something we like, something that fits. Or perhaps we'll come up with some of our own ideas. I will share here once we decide.

One thing is clear to me, I definitely feel more satisfied when we are deeper into a D/s headspace. I'm not sure what it is about it either. Perhaps it's the ritualization of how we function together that makes me love it, perhaps it's that the practices themselves don't seem dormant as often as they do as simply a DD couple.
 I love J's dominant side and as a couple that practiced solely DD in the beginning, it had become too vanilla- does that make sense? Not that there's anything wrong with practicing DD alone. Just for me, simply a male-led way of life wasn't always potent enough. I crave J's dominant hand and I don't want to push to get it. It seems like as a DD couple I had to misbehave in order to experience his dominance to the degree that I needed to. I mean, he did things that made him the dominant leader in our home- he paid the bills, made the decisions, gave me direction, was in charge of discipline, that sort of thing. But that's as far as the dominance went. If I needed to feel his strength there wasn't much there unless I misbehaved. Sure he was dominant during sex but I needed more. I needed him to be in charge in a deeper way- of who I was to him. I needed him to make me his- I needed to feel his dominance in the core of my soul- to get lost in his dominance over me, to belong to him down to the very core of my being, that sort of thing.

So, I've begun researching a bit. I did find a submissives prayer that I
 like a lot and may ask him if he likes it.
Do any of you use ritual or recitation? Can anyone offer advice or some examples of what they do or what they've heard of?

Monday, November 12, 2018

Submitting with Distractions

It's been so long since I've posted here. I keep meaning to write but have just been so so busy lately. It seems whenever I think I might have the time something comes up - even as I write this I am being interrupted one after the other. I know it's the way it is- I'm a mom and a wife and I'm needed. It's an important calling, one that I chose and love, and my family needs to come first. It's important to find a proper balance between family, work and self- care.
This leads me to something I've been wanting to blog about...

I'm sure I'm not the only submissive out there that has trouble submitting at times when there is a lot going on. So much has been vying for my attention lately it has literally left me depleted when it comes to performing within my submissive role to my husband. Truth is- I am happiest when I'm in my submissive place. It's that headspace I'm in when the flow between me and my Dom are connected on all levels- mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. When these connections are healthy between us, certain characteristics are present. We are on the same wavelength and we understand each other, I am able to be vulnerable with him and he with me, I feel connected to him on a soul- level. All of this combined makes our connection on a physical level that much more meaningful.
There are times though when the ability to achieve this level of connection becomes harder. Situations arise that cause stress, children and familial needs get in the way, schedules don't allow for the time it takes to foster the connection, emotional issues are present, illness takes its toll on the family- there are so many things that can get in the way. It leaves me feeling depleted physically, mentally and emotionally.

This past week I struggled with distractions that affected my energy levels. Some of these distractions were good things (my mother moving back to our state), some were worrisome (my son had a meltdown at school).
It's times like this I've learned over the years that I need to let my husband take the reigns and follow his lead. This is the very core of our lifestyle.
My husband asked me recently," Am I still Daddy to you?" 
That question broke my heart. "of course you are," I said.
"Outside of these walls," he asked.
I got the message. "I want you to be," I replied.
Truth is when we are outside of our home my submissive nature often takes a break. There are kids to watch, items to purchase, teachable moments to grasp, people to socialize with and my submission to  J is temporarily forgotten. Worse, at times I sometimes take the opposite role with him and try to steer him instead of following his lead.

Yesterday we were out and I began to bicker with him. I was worked up and stressed and we were at a social gathering with our children. After a previous day of shepherding them at two events, solo, because my husband had to go into work and previously spending more time out of the pew at mass than in it- kids needing to stretch their legs, bathroom breaks, etc- I had pretty much used up my quota on energy and patience.
J looked at me and asked if we needed to take a side trip to one of the other rooms to chat and I shot not to even go there with me, our kids needed us and we couldn't leave them. I'm sure he could have made arrangements to the contrary but he didn't push it.

At times when it seems submission to J is at a standstill, it helps me to first identify the reason why. Is it related to stress, emotional baggage, physical illness or fatigue? Figuring out the reason that things happen has always been important to me because doing so makes it possible to find the solution. J is not nearly as interested in the "why" as I am. He expects obedience and adherence to my role regardless- though he does note some exceptions. However, for me to be in union with myself, I have a need to understand why I do what I do.
After spending some time processing all this I have come to a few conclusions...

First, when my submission is halted because of stress, sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that J expects things from me. He expects me to do my best at all I set out to do. When I don't I not only let myself down, but one decision to cut corners affects all the other things I need to do that day. Before I realize it, everything has been neglected to different degrees. It is very hard for me to reign in my day once I have lost control of it.
My priority list and tasks are one way in which I show my submission to J. Being responsible and making the decisions he'd want me to make in any given situation where I need to rely on my intuition rather then his commands are another. It's important to me to do well in these areas to acknowledge his leadership in my life.
If I know I have to answer to J at the end of the day I am more likely to make the right decisions, the healthy decisions and succeed, in spite of how I feel. I am more likely to let the negative emotions go (or whathaveyou)  and focus my brain on what it needs to be focused on.

Another thing I've learned is that when J acts as my accountability, it connects us. He is automatically concerned with every part of my functioning at every interval of my life. He wants me to succeed. He knows that if I succeed I am making decisions that are not only healthy for me but in turn for our family. If I am doing things for myself that grow positive fruit in my life then fruit will spread to the rest of my family and they will be nourished by it through their connection with me (whether it be to make the decision to exercise and eat healthy, to care for myself physically, or to sit down and flesh out the next chapter in my current writing project in order to succeed in my goals) . If I merely cheat myself, in the long run, I also cheat them and my connections with them will suffer because of it.
That is why J expects me to wake up and exercise, to eat healthily, to have a morning quiet period before I begin my day, to get to bed on time at night, to take medications and supplements that my body needs to function well, to remain on task with my duties, and so forth.

I've heard the opinion recently that it is unfair to expect a man to be his wife's accountability. That she is meant to be his partner and that putting the expectation on him to be her authority is unfair to him with everything else placed on his shoulders as a man. I have heard that a wife that needs to be reproached like a child is not a good wife.  I agree and disagree here on many levels.
 I feel that a man's responsibility when he decides to marry is to lead his wife. When he decides to put a ring on her finger he is pledging to be her leader, her protector, and her provider. Within those roles come some very specific job descriptions, one of which is to be the authority in the family. There are those that argue that a man's authority is over his children and his partnership is with his wife. I agree and I disagree on this point.
Yes, a man and his wife are meant to be partners. But as a man's role consists of being the one to lay his life down for his wife, to protect and provide for her, it puts her under his authority. I have argued this point before in previous posts (before my blog was erased) our roles are equal in value but not in authority.
Furthermore, we all need accountability as people. What citizen is not under the authority of a national leader and it's subleaders. What driver is not under the authority of set rules regarding safe travel. What employee is not under the supervision and direction of their employer. We are all therefore subject to being managed and disciplined. We are all in need of that as human beings. To say that a wife isn't a good wife to need accountability is to say that a citizen is not a good citizen for needing laws, a driver is not a good driver for accidentally speeding or running a red light or having that fender bender.
Now, I'm not talking about being reckless or irresponsible. That kind of behavior should not be tolerated and would make a person "bad". A "bratting" wife is not a good wife. Her role is to be a helpmeet and take the pressure off her husband, not to add to it.
 However,  because a man has the influence as the authoritarian, discipline is needed to back that up. Many don't recognize that order today and I think that's where the breakdown of the family begins.
(Just a note I am not referring to all marriages here. I understand that other types of unions operate differently and don't wish to offend. Nor am I implying that in a male-led family women shouldn't be given equal pay or equal rights. Just saying so there aren't misunderstandings here.)

However, when I chose not to worry and let J take the reigns I show that I trust him enough to "do him" so that I can "do me" and we both grow in our roles.
Through the trust I give him,  J is able to grow as my leader and the leader of our family and I am able to grow in my submission to him. His leadership is a position he's been given that he shouldn't have to fight for. He deserves my trust because he's earned it. Furthermore, the only way that I can fulfill my own role in the family is by letting go of things that aren't mine to carry, submitting to his leadership and focusing my strength in the areas that are mine to handle.
In spite of letting him lead it can still be difficult not to give in to the habit of worry. Old habits are hard to break and sometimes I still have trouble letting go and just trusting him and trusting the process. When this happens, like last week, it impairs my ability to function at my full capacity. Worry takes over and the energy I have begins to diminish. I begin to shut down, not performing in my tasks as efficiently as I had. If I'm not careful this can spiral down even further leaving me in an anxious state which can further lead to depression because of my failures to achieve my goals. This is a hard cycle to break if you don't know how to identify it and get yourself off the cycle of worry.
I know I'm not alone here and my best advice is just to keep pushing. Fight for your submission. Talk to your husband and tell him what you need, tell him what you have discovered, tell him what's wrong. He's not a mind reader, ya'll. He needs you to speak up- in a respectful way- but speak. Don't expect him to know it all. We can be very complicated creatures- us submissive wives.
After you communicate with him allow him to lead you. Take his advice, try it his way. Stop arguing with him. Let him lead. He's earned the right of your trust so give it. Really!

Until next time, peace be with you and your family. I hope this has found you well.


Monday, October 8, 2018

A Good Reminder

This past weekend J and I attended a wedding. I love weddings! I find that I always reflect on our relationship when I go to one.
Well during the ceremony the grooms aunt got up and did what I'm sure would be most men's worst nightmare- she took the mic and began telling story after story about him as a little boy- one which included a spanking! Seriously a first for that one!
In spite of the humorous side of the situation- which he took exceptionally well- a lot of what she said really resonated with me and J. She talked about how a man needs respect and honor from his wife. She talked about how the man is the leader in his home- in spite of what the world teaches today. She talked about being careful about what you say to each other because some things can never be taken back. She also talked about how hard marriage can be- something this young couple knows nothing about yet. You have to experience it to know the struggle.
When the struggles come it is important to have a firm foundation and work together, hold steadfast to each other.
 Weddings are such good reminders to those of us who are already married. We have become experts by experience and when we look  back we know our mistakes and where we could have done better.
 I have said so many times that I wish J and I knew about DD (well technically we had heard of it) but that we had been proponents of it back when we were married. It really was eventually the catalyst that taught him how to lead and me to follow him. It could have saved us so much hurt in our marriage.
Until you've been through hell with your partner things like this don't make sense. When you've seen everything that you had crumble and nothing else work to put the pieces back together- you have to dig deeper. When you accept that a man needs respect and honor and trust to lead his family and you believe that this is his duty in the home then you will give that to him by any means necessary- even if it means submitting to discipline to help you learn to respect him. When others see that this tool works and that the couples that use this tool are only trying to bring about good in their relationship- I just don't understand how anyone could fault that?
There is a difference between loving discipline and abuse. There is a difference between male arrogance, and appropriate leadership.
It's hard sometimes to live this lifestyle in a world that constantly seems to be putting men down, emasculating them and reshaping women into a false sense of femininity. But for those of us that have found our way here- it's good to know that some of us understand.
So I'll pass on to you what I took from this wedding- Hold onto that man of yours, honor him, respect him, let him continue to lead you.
Be the woman that he needs you to be so that he can be that man for you. Stand on the rock of your love and faithfulness to each other- the kind of love this world has forgotten.


Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Starting Over

I didn't know that it would happen but I missed you. I left this blog, downloaded it and forgot about it for a time, planning to leave it all behind me and move on. We were still doing our thing in our own little lives and I was busy as can be with our brood and our goings on... but something happened though I least expected it- I came to miss blogland. I didn't feel quite myself without it and I found that without the weekly tracking my submission slipped and didn't come nearly as easily.
I dug around through my downloads but then a dreadful thing happened- my computer crashed and save for the few things left on my hard-drive I lost everything. I am still in the process of looking for my old posts and importing them to this blog. Unfortunately due to permanent deletion that would be the only way to salvage them but they seem to be gone. I am having a hard time accepting this fact. Lesson learned!
A quote that I love as a writer and try to remind myself of often is "If you get tired learn to rest and not quit." I really wish I had done that.
I hope that I am able to find a purpose and a place here  in blogland if you all will have me once again.