Monday, August 19, 2019

Our Story (Part 1)

On my previous blog, I posted the story of how J and I met and I wanted to recreate those posts here. I don't have the original ones, unfortunately, so I'm writing them again. 
My motto as a writer and the message I aim to share is that if something is broken, it can be fixed. It doesn't have to stay broken. 
By sharing our story, I hope you can see why I say that. J and I didn't have an easy road when we chose to be together. There was a lot that contributed to our journey being difficult. But, we made it, are making it, and DD has helped us tremendously with our goals as a couple.
My aim is to inspire but I also want to be cautious...
 J and I don't support abuse, and I want to emphasis that when I encourage fixing a broken relationship I am referring to one of value.
Not all things in our lives are good for us and you need to be careful when evaluating which is which. Some relationships may be toxic and unhealthy. It's up to you to decide where your relationship lies. If there is value though, and you both truly love each other, I encourage you to put in the work needed to repair it. It may take time, tears, and pain, but it's worth it!
This month is the month of our 16th wedding anniversary- a milestone, at one time, I didn't think we would reach- and happily at that! 
So here is the story of how J and I met, married, and first heard about and implemented DD. Part of it has been taken from a previous post I wrote. I hope you'll bear with me as I reflect and that our story inspires and brings you hope. Enjoy!

I was nineteen when I met him. I wasn't expecting to that day in early September, eighteen years ago. When I got out of my car and headed across the parking lot to the party supply shop the last thing on my mind was love. I was a woman on a mission...

 I had just finished writing my first novel-length story and friends and I were going to make some fun teasers for it. I was heading in to buy the props we'd need.
When I walked in the door, there he was, walking towards me. He wore a red boa around his shoulders and carried a clipboard in his hand- busily putting away items and taking inventory.

"Well, look at you, already dressed for Halloween," he teased, referring to the black cloak I wore around my shoulders. That in addition to my dyed red hair was enough to grab the attention of most. I cringe to think of it now. Still, he was intrigued by my eccentricities.

"No, I'm just fighting a cold," I stated, to explain why I was wearing warm apparel in late summer.
He smiled and I went along to do my shopping.

Somewhere along the way, I needed help finding items and went back to him to ask for assistance. As he walked around the store with me, pointing out items along the way, I talked about the project I was working on, and he talked about the video broadcasting courses he was taking at a local college. He was also a writer, and we exchanged numbers, planning to meet again when he was off work.

A couple days went by and he called. He offered to pick me up and when he did, we went to a nearby park, each with our writings, and sat on the hill to read to each other.
I had figured out by this point he was single, and I was already falling for him hard. Something about him made me feel safe and cared for. Maybe it was the way he opened the car door for me or the way he helped me down the hill when I tripped over my own feet while we walked back to his car, but I knew I liked him.

Something about me- I didn't trust easily. I hadn't dated anyone in the past two years after being hurt in another relationship. I refused to get interested in anyone unless I felt something was different about them- I knew I would know whatever that was when I found it.

After that first date, we made another, and many more followed. Soon, we had completely lost focus of the book project we had originally set out to work on.
We shared more of our writings and he showed me the video projects he put together. We began spending most of our free time hanging out and the rest is history...

We dated for a year before he asked me to marry him. In the rain, he proposed to me, kneeling in his suit underneath my umbrella. I was ecstatic and, of course, said "yes."

The first time J and I stumbled upon Domestic Discipline was when we were engaged and back then our reaction to it was the more typical one. We thought it was absurd. There was a part of me that wanted to submit to J, out of love- but this- spanking your girl if she disobeys shit- just seemed to be repressive.
We tried it though and the first time J threatened to spank me for having an attitude with him I told him off- and that was the end of that.
He backed off and I never submitted to him. We were the typical, "girl runs the show," couple. Truthfully I hated it and I think J did too. At the time though, he felt it was more loving to let me have my way, so he did.

A year later, we got married. I wish I could say that things were bliss, but the truth is, we experienced many ups and downs as a newlywed couple.
I struggled as a young wife to trust J fully and  I knew there was something keeping me from connecting with him in our early years of marriage. I wasn't able to fully let go and trust another person even though he'd never given me a reason not to trust him. The whole love and respect cycle was off for us and nothing seemed to help us fix this problem. Marriage called for my trust to be on a whole deeper level, and I wasn't ready for that yet. I hadn't realized that would be hard for me. Because of some deep hurts that still lingered from my childhood, I struggled to give myself fully to J. He didn't understand it, and in time began withdrawing from me.

We were both hurting, but we loved each other... so we stuck it out.

We had children and began raising our family, and all my time and energy went into being their mama. I soaked them up. I was all about them. I had always wanted to be a mom and now I was.
Our days were long- J worked long hours so I could stay home with our kids, and I attending school part-time working towards my teaching degree.

Fast forward a few years- our family had grown and our oldest children had aged and entered school.
I accepted a position working with special-ed kids- But something happened during this point in our story that caused us to take a look at our relationship and make a change. Finally, we had to come to terms with things not being right between us.
My parents had decided to divorce, and it shook me. I hadn't even realized things were going wrong between them-  had been for some time. Although my relationship with my father had been strained growing up, I didn't want them to divorce and I tried everything I could think of to encourage them to stay together.
If they could desire a divorce, although things seemed fine, would our marriage wind up in trouble- one that obviously had its weaknesses?

 J and I embraced each other and began experiencing a reawakening in our marriage. After struggling for years to feel connected with him, we finally began to grow close again. I began to desire him in a way I hadn't in a long time. Sex became frequent- like every night, and I began needing his leadership in a way that I didn't understand.

But when I realized there was nothing I could do to help my parents, I became depressed. I'd work all day and come home to my husband and kids, cook dinner and do chores, only to kill the pain drinking once the kids were put to bed for the night. Sometimes, I even bought cigarettes- something J hated.
He couldn't stand it, but I couldn't stop. I just wanted to escape and feel better.

That's when I remembered hearing about Domestic Discipline (DD)...

(Please visit back next week for Part 2 of our story)

Monday, August 12, 2019

Interviewed by Eileen Troemel

This past week, I experienced being on the other end of the interview when Eileen Troemel was kind enough to interview me for the release of my debut novel, "Correcting Candi."
I wanted to share it with my readers here.
I'm excited to begin my journey as an author! I hope you will check out my book. Enjoy! 

You can check out Eileen's blog by clicking here

Author Bio

I have a strong belief that when something of value is broken- a person, a keepsake, or a relationship- you don’t throw it away, you fix it! Whether the thing in need of repair is a character trait, an attitude, an heirloom, or a marriage- you do whatever is necessary to repair it if possible.

My focus is relationships. My passion is love. Much of my writing embraces themes such as renewed relationships, trust and forgiveness, repentance and correction, and character refining. I was given the advice once, “Don’t be afraid to be bold,” and that is how I try to approach my writing.

Tell us about yourself.

I’m in my late 30’s and married to my husband of 16 years. We live in New England with our four children ages 2-11, 2 cats, and a hamster.

Aside from my writing I also blog, and homeschool 2 of my children.

When did you know you wanted to be an author?

I’ve been writing since I was a kid. I’m not sure I ever thought I’d be an author but I always had a secret desire to be published.

What genres do you like to read? Are these the same genres you write in?
I enjoy drama, historical fiction, romance and some thrillers. I prefer not to read books in the genre I write in because I find it affects my own voice. I do read some authors but I’m specific about the ones I choose.

Is your book for adults, young adults or children?

Adults as it contains some sexual content

What is your current release or project?

I’ve recently released my debut novel, ‘Correcting Candi,’ which is book one in my ‘Starting Over’ series.

Book 2, ‘Naming His Price,’ is due to be released- date pending.

Books 3 and 4 are works in progress.

Tell us about the key characters

In ‘Correcting Candi’, the main characters are Candice Papageorgiou and Ralph Hamilton.

Candi is a girl in her twenties who still lives at home in upstate New York. She comes from a wealthy family and hasn’t learned to ‘adult’ or take responsibility for herself and her own actions, yet.
After losing another job, her father sends her to see a job recruiter in order to teach her a lesson. The recruiter she sees is Ralph Hamilton.

Ralph is the complete opposite of Candi. He’s learned from a young age to work hard and be self- reliant. When he meets Candi at his office, he is repelled by her at first but due to some of his own ghosts in the past, decides he would like to help her learn to be responsible. The methods he employs are unconventional but he believes strongly in their ability.

What is your blurb or synopsis of the book?

Candi is a twenty-five-year-old young woman living off her daddy’s money in New York. Having everything handed to her certainly hasn’t helped her in the maturity department and when her father threatens to cut her off, she has no choice but to find a job. When she meets with a job recruiter, Ralph Hamilton, seeking employment, he is baffled by the constant setbacks she’s had with each previous employer. After getting to know her, Ralph is on to her. She may think life is being unkind, but he has other ideas…

Ralph Hamilton is the owner of R. Hamilton & Co. Life has thrown him some curve balls, but when he meets Candice, she proves to be just the woman he needs to get his life back. Little does Candi know that his influence in her life will go far beyond the office…

Share an excerpt

“I understand that, Mista Hamilton but you still haven’t told me what you are proposing…”

He sat back and nodded his agreement. “What I am proposing, Candice is for you to allow me to reform you.” His eyes met hers, silently, with an authoritative presence that was all their own. She wanted to burst out laughing again but when she looked into his eyes, she could see he wasn’t bluffing. “And how do you intend to do that?” she questioned, eyes wide with disbelief. “First, I would like to make it very clear that our relationship would be strictly platonic. I am not out to hit on you or try to take advantage of you. I will view you as an employer views their employee. You likewise will refer to me as Sir. You would reside in my home and have rules which you would be expected to follow and routines which you would be expected to keep. Adherence to your rules and responsibilities would earn you rewards and privileges and rule-breaking would earn you punishments.”

“Um,” she croaked, her mouth dry from falling open. “What do you mean by punishments?”

“I mean that you will be punished for failure to adhere to my authority in any way that I see fit. The methods I use could be as simple as a reprimand or they could be as complex and humbling as a thorough bare bottom spanking, given over my knee. Do you catch my drift?”

Blushing – she could actually feel herself blushing! She couldn’t remember the last time she had done so. No one had that effect on her, ever. And while she sat there trying to contain her embarrassment, and arousal, he sat across from her cool as a cucumber, not so much as breaking a sweat.

Do you have a favorite scene?

Probably this one, because the characters have come to a place in their journey together, where they are finally on the same page…

“I don’t want you to let me…” Candi interjected, her eyes pleading in his direction. Fear was etched across her face, a look he’d never seen her wear before. He’d seen her nervous before, yes. She was nervous when he gave her a spanking, but this was not that. Every feature of her face was drawn out and taut as if her life itself depended on his staying. “Please don’t go, Ralph.” She reached out for him afraid this would be the last time, afraid he’d make her leave and not return. “I’ll take the spanking, please. I want to do better than this. Teach me, Ralph, teach me to do right.”

What advice would you give to a new writer?

Well, I am still a beginner myself, but to anyone who has a dream to write or be published my advice is to hone the skill. Do everything you can to protect your dream and carve out time to work on it. Set aside time for yourself each day to work towards your goal- and let others know that time is yours, and only to interrupt if absolutely necessary.

One piece of advice that helps me is – you won’t start off a great writer. Your writing will get better as you do it!

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Monday, August 5, 2019

Interview with Author Jillian Keenan

The first time I heard of Jillian Keenan was when I read an article written by her years ago. I recently read her book, "Sex With Shakespeare," and remembered her article from years before. Here is the interview I've conducted with her. Enjoy!

I remember reading an article you wrote on spanking way back before I ever confronted my own fascination with it. Back when I read it though, it was a balm for me. It was the first time I’d ever read anything about another person feeling the same as I did.

Thank you! I’m so glad you liked that article. J

         I’m sure many of us can relate to you when you say it was hard to accept who you are in regards to your sexuality. What was the catalyst that helped you to do that?

There was no single moment when I finally accepted my sexuality – the truth is, I still occasionally struggle with it. The easiest explanation is that I reached a point where the risk of living an incomplete life scared me more than the risk of destroying my reputation. 

         Do you feel that your sexuality is a result of how you are “wired”, by certain experiences you’ve had, or a combination of both?

My sexuality is innate, unchosen, and lifelong – I am certain of that. I can’t explain why I was born with this fetish, but I am firmly convinced that it was not caused by trauma or any other experiences. That being said, early experiences did interact with my fetish: when I was spanked as a child, the experience was more than just a physical violation – it was a sexual violation, too.

         You make a strong statement in your book- “The first person I loved was also the first person I feared (Keenan, P. 31).”  - How do you feel your relationship with your mom affected your sexuality?

My relationship with my mother did not cause my fetish, but abusive memories from childhood made it much harder for me to accept that my sexuality is healthy and natural. When psychology and pop culture were both telling me that my fetish was a response to trauma – and I did, in fact, have traumatic childhood memories that involved spanking – the fear that something was “wrong” with me was hard to resist. The realization that trauma doesn’t cause kink, but kink can cause trauma – in other words, that if a child’s innate sexuality is used against her in a punitive way, trauma is a reasonable and natural response – was the single most important moment of my life.

         I like the metaphor you used that fetishists regard tears as comparable to orgasms (P. 71). Would you explain what you mean by this?  

They’re both cathartic expressions of release!

         How have you learned to deal with sub-drop?

In my experience, the best way to deal with drop is often just to realize that I’m dropping. During drop, it feels like the world is ending – but it isn’t. Drop is just the emotional and physical response to the endorphins and adrenaline of a great spanking fading away. It’s like coming down after a drug high. Drop is brutal, and shouldn’t be underestimated – talking to friends usually helps me the most.

         In your book, you shared a traumatic experience you had at the hands of your mother. Have you ever told her about your sexuality and how that affected you? What was her response?

She has read my book and thinks it’s unfair. She is entitled to her opinion, of course. We don’t have a good relationship.

         I enjoyed reading about your relationship with John and was saddened when it ended. Have you heard from him since the break-up?

I have not heard from him, and he has no social media presence and therefore is immune to cyber-stalking. I hope he’s doing well, though! 

         You describe your husband as a more ‘vanilla’ type man. How have you learned to make your
relationship mutually satisfying?

One year after my book came out, David left me for another woman because, among other things, “the spanking thing is weird.” (Those are his words, not mine.) I was, and remain, devastated. But I don’t regret outing myself to him, and I don’t regret writing my book. I would rather be dumped as the woman I am than loved as a woman I am not.

       If you could go back in time and speak to yourself as a child, what would you say to the little girl you were?

I’d tell her to save that babysitting money and invest in Facebook. Anything else I could say would be a mistake – she needed to discover herself on her time.

Thank you, Jillian, for your very honest answers. I hope you know that many of us can relate to so much of what you've said and that we support you! Thank you again for agreeing to be interviewed. 

If you'd like to follow Jillian you can find her by clicking on the links below for her website and twitter. You can also purchase her book, "Sex With Shakespeare," by clicking on the Amazon link. Thanks for visiting!


Monday, July 29, 2019

Interview With Author and Dom, Anton Fulmen

On my last blog, I conducted an interview with Author and lifestyler, Anton Fulmen. This was one of the pieces I lost when my blog was deleted and I was pretty upset about it.
Anton has since written a second book and when I contacted him he sent me our original interview. Check it out and stay tuned as I will be interviewing him again for my October slot.:)

One of the things you say in your book is that dominance is something anyone can learn.   Would you say some more on that line of thinking? 

The idea that there is such a thing as “a dominant” (or “a submissive”), and that you either are one or you aren’t, is terribly counterproductive. Dominance isn’t a thing you are; it’s a thing you do. And anyone who wants to do it can do it.
There are many different aspects to being good at dominance, and different styles of dominance that emphasize different skills. Being decisive helps for many kinds of dominance. Being a good planner is essential for some kinds of dominance and not important for others. Having a good handle on your own emotions is important for all of them. Some people will find that some of those aspects of dominance come easily to them. Some will have to work harder to develop the skills they need to be good at the kinds of dominance they want to practice.
But you can learn any of them. Being decisive, for example, isn’t a fixed personality trait that you can never change. It comes from confidence that you can make good choices, belief that you have the authority to decide, and acceptance of the risk of being wrong. You can grow your confidence and get comfortable with failure by taking on challenges just at the edge of your competence. Start with little things and build up. You can strengthen belief in your authority by putting yourself into leadership positions. Volunteer organizations always need people to step up to lead; pick a cause you believe in and go make a difference.

Another piece in your book that spoke to me was the idea that to dominate is not to force submission but to create the opportunity for submission. Would you expand on that concept? 

I’m not paying the people who submit to me. They aren’t going to go to jail if they don’t obey me. There’s no external reason why they should do what I tell them to. They do it because they want to, and that’s one of the essential mysteries at the heart of power exchange.
I beat someone with a cane and have them feel grateful for the privilege of being beaten, even though they hate being beaten with canes. Because they love being under control or pleasing me, or one of the other shades of submissive motivation. So long as I can connect with and elicit that submissive motivation, I can call the shots and use them for my pleasure and both of us will feel great about it.
Many of us get super turned on by fantasy roleplay themes of being forced to submit. We like to forget that submission is really something that we want for ourselves and get to feel like what we want doesn’t matter. But if we ​totally ​ forget that submission is an opportunity to be grateful for, it tends to crash the dynamic. Because there really is nothing else holding it up!

What are some of the things that can help a dominant convey their dominance in daily life? 
You talk about personal and interpersonal competence. How can a dominant that lacks these skills better develop these characteristics? 

There are a lot of paths both to self-mastery and to connecting well with others, and I’m pretty sure that no one has a perfect and complete technique for mastering either one. For personal competence, you could try meditation or reading philosophy or martial arts or therapy or self-awareness programs like the Human Awareness Institute.  For interpersonal competence, you can learn Nonviolent Communication, join Toastmasters, read Dr. Gottman’s intimate communication books or work with a couples counselor.
I think that often the most important things are simply recognizing that you have something to learn and then putting effort and attention into improving. Which program you follow doesn’t matter so much as that you’re trying.

I think one of the things most D/s practitioners complain about is experiencing a lull in their dynamic. What are some ways that a Dominant can track their submissive’s progress over time in order to remain connected?

Tracking some kind of progress is one way to keep your attention on your dynamic, but over the long term, I think that lulls are natural and healthy things. If you’re attached to always making progress--in whatever way--and treat “backsliding” like a failure, that’s likely to lead to burnout. It’s sexy to imagine the dominating partner’s control getting constantly tighter and tighter over time. More rules, stricter discipline, deeper and more profound sacrifices, and closer management--all super hot! But we’re all human and sometimes we need to relax or focus on something else.
If you’ve been working on increasing the protocol in a dynamic, and tracking progress in terms of how many rules of speech and behavior you’ve created and learned and made into habits, and trying to have fewer and fewer slip-ups every month, that’s great. But accept that eventually there’s probably going to come a time when one or both partners feel a need to loosen that protocol or set it aside for a while. Maybe because some other stressful or important thing is happening in their life, or maybe just because they’re burned out. If you treat that like it’s the end of the world it’s going to be traumatic and hard to recover from. If you can let the lull happen and let it be okay, you can get back into the dynamic afterward with less hurt feelings.

You talk about using rituals or tokens if a Dom and sub are separated for a time. Would you say a bit about that? 

I can give you some examples.
The submitting partner can have a ritual “good morning” message that they are required to send as the first thing they do when they get up in the morning. Could be by text message or a phone call or whatever. It starts each day off with a little opportunity to obey and a reminder of the dynamic, and sending a text message is a very small burden in terms of time and energy, so it isn’t likely to turn into a bothersome chore. It also gives the dominating partner an opportunity to respond, showing that they’re invested and paying attention as well.
The submitting partner could carry a little padlock on their keychain, and the dominating partner carry its key. Both would have a reminder of their dynamic every time they reached for their keys.
The idea is to keep your power exchange an active presence in your life.

Many of the people I associate with are married couples with children who practice DD and D/s dynamics. What are some ways we can protect ourselves from “outing?” 

That’s such a big question! There are different risks of outing depending on what you’re doing in your kinky life and different things that you could do to protect yourself against different risks. With kids, I think the most general suggestion I can give is to assume that they will get into absolutely everything. They’re going to open that box that’s buried at the bottom of your closet sometime when they’re trying to find where you hid the birthday presents. They’re going to look into every single folder on any computer they have access to. So if there are things you don’t want them to find, lock those things up. And use a separate computer that they don’t have a login for.
Also, work out with your partner how you’re going to handle it if your kids do ask questions, or if you get outed to/by someone else. Having a plan and a coordinated response can help a lot if it does happen.

A quote from your book reads, “For some power-kinked people D/s is a necessary component of love.” Would you explain what you mean by this? 

You know the idea of “love languages”? To oversimplify it, for some people love means exchanging gifts, and if they’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give gifts or want gifts then they don’t really feel like the love is there. Other people feel love through physical touch, and without a lot of touching a relationship won’t feel loving to them. Etcetera.
For some of us, power is our love language. Someone can say they love us all day long, but the way we really ​know ​ they love us is when they care enough to want to control us--or when they’re devoted enough to obey us. We express our love through strictness or discipline or eager service.
There are others among us who are just as passionate about power exchange but who separate power relationships from love relationships. Perhaps they prefer to be controlled by someone who truly sees them only as a servant or a sex toy. Or when they love someone they don’t want to be cruel or controlling toward that person.
You’ll see this difference crop up all the time in discussions of “Should a dominant love their submissive?” Some people will be dead set against the idea and argue that it isn’t possible to maintain strict control over someone who you love. Others will be perplexed by the suggestion that it’s possible to dominate someone and not love them.

You can read more from Anton and purchase his books at his website HERE

Monday, July 22, 2019

When a Dom is silent

I think one of the hardest things to deal with as a submissive is when our Doms are distant. If you've ever been there, you're not alone. I've been there too...

I've always felt that the Dominant in the relationship was supposed to be the strong one, the one who held the relationship together, the one who fixed whatever was broken, the one to lean on. But what do you do when the Dominant is the one who needs help- when they're in a funk? What do you do when their shoulders aren't readily available and they need support? Do you put your needs and your dynamic on hold? Do you leave your role as the submissive in the relationship and try to take on his role?

In my experience, when J is emotionally distant it's usually due to stress or worry. He has a lot on his shoulders as the leader in our home and sometimes the pressure leaves him depleted. He experiences a need to regroup/ recharge, and we experience a lull in our dynamic.

I have come to realize that when this happens I have two options. I could choose to be upset and brat or nag at him until I get his attention (usually negatively), or I can "sub-up" and be faithful to our dynamic by being the submissive he needs even without his dominance.

I hate to admit how many times I've chosen the first option. To be honest, it's been more often than not.

I've thrown my attitude at him and gotten all bent out of shape because he wasn't Doming me the way I needed him to. When I did this, I got his attention- but it wasn't the kind I really wanted or needed. And it didn't "cure" us from the lull we were experiencing. He was still stressed over whatever (finances/ work) and he felt alone on top of it.

Often during these times, he would say to me that it was me who didn't want our dynamic. I was refusing to submit to him. I would reply that I couldn't submit to someone who wasn't Doming me. But I don't know if that was entirely true...

J was still leading our relationship and our home... which was the precursor of his need for a break. It's hard to be the leader, the one everyone always turns to. It's hard to always have to be "on."
 I had to accept that and give him his rest. The fact that he wasn't actively Doming me for a bit didn't mean I couldn't submit to him. I still knew his preferences and what he expected of me.

Does it mean, as submissives, we need to be unselfish?    Yes.
We are going to experience a lull and it's one of the sacrifices we have to make if we care about our Dom's. After all, they are still human. Sometimes I think we overlook this.

If we as submissives weren't able to perform our roles for some reason, I would hope for the same consideration.

I think it's also important for the Dominant to recognize the sacrifice and faithfulness of their submissive.
This shows the strength of her commitment to you. The fact that she would still follow your lead, waiting faithfully until you could pick up the reigns again, is a powerful act of faithfulness on her part because even though it hurts her to do so, she'll stand in that lull for you, reminding herself that it won't last forever.

Submissives, if you have a healthy dynamic with your Dom, try to count it a blessing to give him your grace. Know, with your submission and love, he will bounce back as soon as he's able- much sooner than with your bratting. You're better than that after all.
Try to see your sacrifice as an act of submission to him until he is strong again.

Monday, July 15, 2019

Why I Call Him Daddy

I know the Daddy thing doesn't rest easy with a lot of people, lifestylers or otherwise. The reasons vary. I've heard some people say that they were sexually abused by a father figure growing up. Others just have a funny feeling about calling their husband or sexual partner, Daddy. I get it. It borders on taboo and can easily cause some very awkward feelings to surface.
That being said, I didn't always refer to my husband as Daddy either. I didn't always feel comfortable with the term in regards to a spouse- a matter of fact, there was a day when the thought of calling him Daddy never would have crossed my mind.
After we began to flesh out our D/s dynamic, one night changed all of that. I'll get into that in a minute. First, let me give you a little hindsight into my past...

Growing up, I didn't have the kind of close daddy/ little girl relationship with my father that I wanted. I longed for it. Even tried to please him by being as good as I could possibly be at one point to try and obtain his approval, only to find that he still found reasons to be displeased with me. In short, I couldn't be perfect- to him. I couldn't be the type of little girl he wanted- the kind that would follow his lead without question. When it came to questions, I was full of them. I always analyzed what I was told, trying to think for myself and figure out how I felt about it. I guess that rubbed him the wrong way. Girls were supposed to listen without question.

Truth is, I was in love with him. I was in love with the side of him that could be adoring. When he'd come after me in anger (aside from spanking) I was frightened of him. There were times he would threaten to send me away for questioning him too much. I didn't understand how his own child could be disposable to him.

I have a sister who is 13 months older than me. We were often mistaken for twins and very close growing up. She, however, came to see a whole different side to our dad than I did. In regards to her, he was the father I wanted. I never understood why he treated us so differently. Why was she the object of his affection and I wasn't?

I began to think it was me. I must not be good enough, pretty enough, for him to want me. I began to try to emulate her but I'm sure you can guess how that wound up. You can't be someone you're not. she was different than me in the sense that she didn't question- at least not outwardly. She took his answers at face value and didn't analyze things for herself- or so I thought.

Back to the present... I always carried a hole in my heart over the relationship I wished I had with my father. I always longed to be "daddy's little girl," requested the song be played for our father/ daughter dance at my wedding, even though it was the farthest thing from the truth. I wished I had that.
As I danced with him, tears came to my eyes- not because he was giving over his role in my life, but for what we hadn't had.

When J came into my life, he began to heal the hurt in me by doing little things that unbeknownst to him touched that little girl in me that was hurting. He always showed an interest in what I had to say and encouraged me to pursue my goals. He made me a priority often asking how I wanted to spend our day together and showed me affection. I remember someone commenting once that he could see how much he loved me just by the way he looked at me. He looked at me with the twinkle in his eye that I had longed for from my father- adoringly.

The first time I called him Daddy, we were making love. I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, it was one of the first times I experienced myself open up to him fully, both physically and emotionally. I had never opened myself up to anyone this much, he included, and to finally be able to do so without concern or boundaries was surreal to me. As he touched me all I kept hearing in my head was, "Daddy."

I didn't say it out loud. I didn't know how he'd feel about it- or how I felt about it, and I didn't want to repulse him. Afterwards, though, I quietly confided in him how I felt and his answer was one I will never forget...

"Of course you can call me Daddy... you're my little girl."

I cried...
I couldn't believe after all those years my husband was able to heal that hole in my heart the way he did. It was like he removed the sand from my wound and left a pearl.

The term "Daddy" didn't mean 'father' to me- but many other things. It meant (and still means) teacher, lover, guide, friend, the one I trust and show my loyalty to above all, the one who protects me, provides for me, shields me and yes disciplines me when I need to be.

If you can't wrap your head around calling your man Daddy- like I said, I get it. But for those of you, who like me, find solace there, embrace it. Don't worry that you're abnormal. Don't worry about the misconceptions. You've found your rest, your home. Let your heart be at peace.

Monday, July 8, 2019

The Adult Babygirl

I first knew I was a babygirl about a month or so after J and I began living out our D/s dynamic. As I explored my submissive side I noticed that I was happiest when he was pleased with me and my acts of submission were noticed.
 I enjoyed performing tasks for him but it wasn't the service itself that fulfilled me, it was his notice and pleasure that fed my submission. When he'd coddle me and tell me he was pleased or proud of me I was like putty in his hands.

Likewise, I enjoyed being submissive in the bedroom, but the act of submitting during sex wasn't what fulfilled me. His dominance and control over me and his pleasure in my body where what fed my spirit and propelled me forward, allowing me to be completely vulnerable to him. It was during one of these intimate moments with him that I first desired to call him Daddy, and though at the time I didn't understand my need to, it was one of the strongest desires I'd ever felt.

 Once the physical intimacy had passed I hesitantly shared my desire with him and he responded favorably to me calling him Daddy.
"Of course it's okay. You're my little girl," his exact words.

I never forgot that or how it made me feel when he said it. I was accepted. My need was acceptable. And although I hadn't come to terms yet with why I needed it, it freed me to further explore the need itself.

As women, in our society, we are taught to be strong and independent. We are taught to rely on ourselves and not need a man. While the intention is good I worry about the message it sends...

As women, I believe, we still carry an inner part of us that wants/ needs to be able to let go and trust. We are always on, always in charge- of so many things- we need a space to let go of it all and just be cared for. We need to be told everything will be okay. We need permission to lean without being interpreted as weak.

Dare I say that it is that side of me that carries this need that I refer to as the babygirl in me and I am happiest when I am able to fully embrace her and lean on my man.
As capable as I am as a woman, I still carry a need to let go and let someone else take over.

I still have a need to feel his arms around me and be told everything will be okay. I am strong but I can't always be "Superwoman." I need to trust and rest and let go. I need that safe space to stop adulting for a while and be his little girl. I need to feel cherished and protected and be held and coddled. I melt and we connect and my energy is recharged, which allows me to adult more efficiently.

Although I now understand my need, it doesn't come without a struggle. There are times I question myself and why I need this and I know I'm not alone in this...

Let me say this, for those of you like myself who sometimes feel insecure about your needs and desires. You are never more strong than when you are able to embrace your "weakest" and most vulnerable self. When you can submit fully and let your guard down and be honest about who you are and what you need to be fulfilled, it shows strength.

I dare you to accept yourself, embrace yourself, and give in to the desires and needs you have. Let go and let him lead you and be his babygirl. Let him be your man.

Being a babygirl doesn't mean shirking your responsibility, being childish, bratting, or demanding your own way. It also isn't ageplay, diaper wearing, or living a  "little" life (which is ageplay- nothing wrong with those who do this but it isn't what I'm referring to here).

Being a babygirl means trusting him to lead you and care for you. It means giving him your deepest, most intimate desires and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to accept his care. It means leaning on him instead of yourself and giving up the notion that to be strong we have to rely fully on ourselves.

I'm his big/little girl and I'm not weak because of it. Rather, it is my strength. It allows me to blossom and be all I can be... and it is beautiful!